Thursday, February 28, 2013

Trusting God with my ducks!

For the first time since I gave my life to Christ I was being asked to trust him in a way I was not comfortable doing. Before you even say anything, I know that isn't a right attitude. That is why I'm here writing this. My. attitude. stunk! I was completely uncomfortable trusting the Lord the way he wanted me to. Who even knew if it was going to be a season or if it was going to be my life, my whole life. I was frozen in this feeling of uncertainty and I hated it.

I am a type A personality all the way across the board! I figure out a plan and I work my plan. I'm scheduled, organized and systematic. I hate chaos, uncertainty and anything to disturb my plan. I don't like change, I don't care for riff's in the system and I don't like not having it all figured out. My ducks have to be in row! The problem is this doesn't work in the life God's called me to. My husband felt called as of last year to go to Bible college and be a pastor. What? We have two small children, he has an excellent job and he just wants to STOP in the middle of it all and veer far right into the completely unknown? This didn't jive with me, if I'm being honest, and I am...I was thankful that he is doing what he feel's called to with such conviction and sacrifice, but couldn't we just fwd and not go through the season of him getting there?? It was completely scrambling my ducks that were all sitting neatly in a row! 

Where will we live? Don't know. Where will he work? Don't know. Will I have to work part time? Don't know. Will we have to move closer to the college? Don't know. Will he have a job after school? Don't know. Will we have to move out of state for a new job after college? Don't know. 

As it was then I could answer all of those if we stayed on the path we're on. We will live in the home we have lived in since Ava Grace was 9 months old, our home. He will work where he's worked for 4 years. I won't have to work part time. The other questions would be N/A. On this path I have certainty and stability.  Now I know that no one has real certainty and stability because it can all change at the blink of an eye. See, I know this stuff but then it was head knowledge and not heart knowledge or else I would have been all on board for the adventure. Adventure, something else I don't like....

So why, knowing how I am would God call me to this?? See, I know the answer again. God cares more about our character than comfort. He loves to call his children into the unknown, desiring that we take a faith walk ( not a cake walk) as Peter did and keep our eyes on him. But I'm comfortable here on this side, I never asked to walk across water. There is that word "comfortable" again. 
So when it all boils down to it, I accepted Christ as my savior and I desire to live for him. I strive to daily bring him glory and honor. I want to move mountains in the Kingdom, but I want to always be comfortable, stable and certain at the same time. Oh and I don't want to sacrifice my ducks that are in a row! That wasn't going to work!

You know how it is when you can really feel the Lord whispering the same thing over and over again? He just continued to say "trust." "But Lord, my ducks are scrambled!!!! The next year is a blank page!" "Trust." "What if he can't find a job that allows him to go to school? Everyone is unemployed and he will join them! Will lose everything!" "Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust Trust...." I also knew that a year from now I would have some ducks neatly in a row again and some sense of a plan or certainty, but the getting there is what I was scared of. I would love to tell you that I had a breakthrough and trusted the Lord with all of it and felt much better. I would be lying. Truth is, I had a complete fit. I reacted out of fear and uncertainty and attacked my husband. I didn't act Christ like, I didn't trust and I didn't act like a Godly wife either. :-/ I went into a spiral of anger and rebellion declaring "I am not going to be a part of this." ::sigh:: Oh goodness, if given the chance I would definitely have responded instead of reacted and I would have prayed before even opening my mouth. I would do what God had been pulling on my heart to do for MONTHS and I would have trusted him. I would have trusted my husbands discernment and wisdom. I would have trusted God with my husbands heart and mind. I would have trusted that even if we fumbled on our path, God would still be in control and steady us! I would have trusted that even though it was a huge life change it was my husband answering the call to ministry and that God was all over it! Instead I blew it. I failed the test, giant F on the paper in red ink and all. :-/ Thank God for his mercy and grace and his blood that washes away our sins. It was with a repentant sorrowful heart that I had to face God and ask for forgiveness. 

Of course God has it all worked out and had a plan for us!  God knew it all along and all I had to do was trust. Now I am trusting God with all of it. I am trusting that it will all come together and work out and yes, some thing's are still uncertain, but this time I am trusting! 
It's okay, you can move my ducks!


Brittany Vail said...

I really loved reading this entry :).. not because you're going through a struggle with trusting, but because this is the same situation we've been in.

The last two years have been insanely crazy for us. We had two back to back pregnancies while Joel has 22 surgeries, his awful supervisor was trying to have him court marshaled for not being Christian enough, I had surgery thrown in there, all of Elodie's weight issues, the unknowns with Joel's retirement and disability income, Joel trying to find a job once he was out, the wildfire and evacuation, the moves, my postpartum, buying a house, not knowing what will happen next year when Joel finishes his Master's program...

It has been such a hard two years. And I have really struggled with trusting that it will all be okay. I've really struggled with having faith. So much was being piled on that I felt like I would break from the weight of it all. It's hard to not have a plan, and it's even harder to have a plan only to toss it away. And I think it's harder when you're having to do that as a Christian, because we're following God's will.. it's hard to do that sometimes because of feeling "comfortable".

We still have so many worries with Joel's and Elodie's health, Joel being able to find a better job, whether or not we'll still be here in a year and a half after he finishes his program. It's just a lot of worries.

But something clicked a few months ago. My entire attitude changed about all of it.. not to say that there still aren't days where it's difficult to trust, but I AM trusting now. I AM having faith. And I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that God is building us a brighter future one answered prayer at a time. We have been so unbelievably bless in the last few months. We've had ever prayer answered in such a beautiful way.. even when they were answered in a different way than we were expecting.

It's like God looked at my ducks and was like "What in the blazes are you doing?" and then rearranged them despite my grumbles. And I am so glad that He did. We've been able to grow in Him so much, and it's a beautiful thing :).

Brittany Vail said...

Wow.. that comment was longer than I thought it was going to be :).