Thursday, February 28, 2013

Trusting God with my ducks!

For the first time since I gave my life to Christ I was being asked to trust him in a way I was not comfortable doing. Before you even say anything, I know that isn't a right attitude. That is why I'm here writing this. My. attitude. stunk! I was completely uncomfortable trusting the Lord the way he wanted me to. Who even knew if it was going to be a season or if it was going to be my life, my whole life. I was frozen in this feeling of uncertainty and I hated it.

I am a type A personality all the way across the board! I figure out a plan and I work my plan. I'm scheduled, organized and systematic. I hate chaos, uncertainty and anything to disturb my plan. I don't like change, I don't care for riff's in the system and I don't like not having it all figured out. My ducks have to be in row! The problem is this doesn't work in the life God's called me to. My husband felt called as of last year to go to Bible college and be a pastor. What? We have two small children, he has an excellent job and he just wants to STOP in the middle of it all and veer far right into the completely unknown? This didn't jive with me, if I'm being honest, and I am...I was thankful that he is doing what he feel's called to with such conviction and sacrifice, but couldn't we just fwd and not go through the season of him getting there?? It was completely scrambling my ducks that were all sitting neatly in a row! 

Where will we live? Don't know. Where will he work? Don't know. Will I have to work part time? Don't know. Will we have to move closer to the college? Don't know. Will he have a job after school? Don't know. Will we have to move out of state for a new job after college? Don't know. 

As it was then I could answer all of those if we stayed on the path we're on. We will live in the home we have lived in since Ava Grace was 9 months old, our home. He will work where he's worked for 4 years. I won't have to work part time. The other questions would be N/A. On this path I have certainty and stability.  Now I know that no one has real certainty and stability because it can all change at the blink of an eye. See, I know this stuff but then it was head knowledge and not heart knowledge or else I would have been all on board for the adventure. Adventure, something else I don't like....

So why, knowing how I am would God call me to this?? See, I know the answer again. God cares more about our character than comfort. He loves to call his children into the unknown, desiring that we take a faith walk ( not a cake walk) as Peter did and keep our eyes on him. But I'm comfortable here on this side, I never asked to walk across water. There is that word "comfortable" again. 
So when it all boils down to it, I accepted Christ as my savior and I desire to live for him. I strive to daily bring him glory and honor. I want to move mountains in the Kingdom, but I want to always be comfortable, stable and certain at the same time. Oh and I don't want to sacrifice my ducks that are in a row! That wasn't going to work!

You know how it is when you can really feel the Lord whispering the same thing over and over again? He just continued to say "trust." "But Lord, my ducks are scrambled!!!! The next year is a blank page!" "Trust." "What if he can't find a job that allows him to go to school? Everyone is unemployed and he will join them! Will lose everything!" "Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust Trust...." I also knew that a year from now I would have some ducks neatly in a row again and some sense of a plan or certainty, but the getting there is what I was scared of. I would love to tell you that I had a breakthrough and trusted the Lord with all of it and felt much better. I would be lying. Truth is, I had a complete fit. I reacted out of fear and uncertainty and attacked my husband. I didn't act Christ like, I didn't trust and I didn't act like a Godly wife either. :-/ I went into a spiral of anger and rebellion declaring "I am not going to be a part of this." ::sigh:: Oh goodness, if given the chance I would definitely have responded instead of reacted and I would have prayed before even opening my mouth. I would do what God had been pulling on my heart to do for MONTHS and I would have trusted him. I would have trusted my husbands discernment and wisdom. I would have trusted God with my husbands heart and mind. I would have trusted that even if we fumbled on our path, God would still be in control and steady us! I would have trusted that even though it was a huge life change it was my husband answering the call to ministry and that God was all over it! Instead I blew it. I failed the test, giant F on the paper in red ink and all. :-/ Thank God for his mercy and grace and his blood that washes away our sins. It was with a repentant sorrowful heart that I had to face God and ask for forgiveness. 

Of course God has it all worked out and had a plan for us!  God knew it all along and all I had to do was trust. Now I am trusting God with all of it. I am trusting that it will all come together and work out and yes, some thing's are still uncertain, but this time I am trusting! 
It's okay, you can move my ducks!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The mommy in this picture is ME!

I say it time and time again, I LOVE to write and I aspire to blog more often and just share my life.
I am also told at least once a day to write a mommy blog. I am going to strive really hard to keep this blog updated and interesting as I face the daily JOYS  and struggles of parenting two little girl's and being the keeper of our home.

I am a mom who doesn't have it all figured out (yet) and lives day to day hanging on by the grace of God and usually with dried food on my clothes! Yep, these days my life isn't that glamorous and I must admit that I have more day's when I feel defeated then I do triumphant. However, it is in the days that I feel triumphant that I can then appreciate the defeated days, I see how it helped my character and growth in Christ. There is never a TESTimony without a TEST! It has also taught me the meaning of "My Grace is sufficient, for when you are weak I am strong." AMEN!

So this time around my blog might be a little messier, a little less poetic and a lot more nitty gritty. This is where I am at in this point in my life. I'm daily growing as a woman of God and a wife/mother and not without temper tantrums ( me usually, not the kids). I feel some day's like my life has no meaning ( ah the deceptions of the enemy!) and sometimes I would love to go find a corner and rock in it ( as long as that corner has coffee). That isn't to say that I don't have a lot of JOY in every day and that I don't LOVE this season of life I'm in. I'm just stating the fact' is hard, hard work to do what I do and I'm not going to lie about that. The JOY of the LORD is MY strength ( praise the Lord) and at this time in my life, God is enjoying reminding me of that!

I want to interact with my reader's, so please leave a comment below and share how God is working in your life during this season, If you're not a mom, still share! We can all use the encouragement in knowing none of us have arrived yet! (2 Corinthians 3:18)