When I realized that I am a brat!

Who else is really glad that a lot of times God doesn't deal with us the way we deserve to be dealt with?  Who else is thankful that with loving grace he leads us to realize our sin(s) and then accepts our apology and repentance? I know that I am!

Last week I was reading one of my favorite encouraging mommy blogs when I saw a link to another blog and the title of the post jumped out at me. It was titled "Diary of a spoiled brat." As I read her post I could relate on almost everything she was saying and it was like she had been in my head all week. A really long story short, by the end of her post I had read a beautiful story of a woman who realized how incredibly blessed she really is and she had a new perspective! She told this story...

"Last week our missionary friend Maurice (who serves endlessly and feeds nearly one hundred children every night) found a man laying limp on the side of road. Thinking he was dead, Maurice went over to search for vital signs. There was a faint hear beat so he lifted the near-death Haitian and carried him to safety. It turns out the man was starving. Malnourished and ill from years and years of living on the streets.  He was painfully poor, never having lived in a home his whole life. Maurice had little to give, but offered that he could stay in the generator shed and hung him a hammock and gave him food. The Haitian was overjoyed – completely overtaken with gratefulness because he had never in his whole life slept under a roof." The Unplugged Family. 

After reading everything before that portion of her post and then reading that, I was a mess. God started to break my heart and I sat there in tears as I realized I was a brat! I had been walking around with a stinking bad attitude for 3 days, determined to not like the change coming for our family. I wallowed in self pity and a woe is me mentality. I was angry that we were going to have to give up our beautiful home, (the one I worked so hard to make beautiful), for my husband to attend Bible college ( wow, really Tiffany??) I was angry that we are going to be moving into a house that needs work, just as this one did and isn't "move in ready." I complained and complained. I picked apart every reason why "the new house sucked." It didn't matter that it is two times as big as the house we are in now, in a good safe area and a sturdy, safe home for my family. It didn't matter that it was a huge financial blessing from God so my husband can answer the calling on his life. I deserved the wrath of God as I complained about his blessing for us and told him why I didn't like it. I deserved a spiritual spanking for my bad attitude and lack of thankfulness. However, God dealt with my gently and allowed me to read that post. I walked away broken in my sin and ungratefulness and completely thankful for a new roof over my head and running water in our sink's. Here I was complaining when a man in another country was rejoicing for a shed with a hammock. Perspective! God reminded me of the Israelite's and how they so desperately wanted out from under Pharaoh and God delivered them from his rule and performed miracle after miracle, even providing mana from Heaven and yet they complained. I want to go to the next level, but I didn't want it to be inconvenient. My beautiful mother-in-law reminded me that most of the letters Paul wrote that are in the Bible, he wrote from a prison! Perspective! And that when Paul wrote about contentment and joy, God's grace being sufficient that he either wrote it from a prison or following one trial after the other.

My joy can't be in the car I drive or the way my house look's. My joy can't be in what I possess that will burn. My joy and thankfulness don't come from what surrounds me or what the circumstance's in my life are, my joy comes from Christ! My joy comes from knowing that I'm bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ and I have been saved from my former self and my old life. If my whole world washes away, I still stand saved by the Savior and filled with a daily hope and promise of an eternal life in his very presence! What more could I want, need or ask for? Perspective!

Trusting God with my ducks!

For the first time since I gave my life to Christ I was being asked to trust him in a way I was not comfortable doing. Before you even say anything, I know that isn't a right attitude. That is why I'm here writing this. My. attitude. stunk! I was completely uncomfortable trusting the Lord the way he wanted me to. Who even knew if it was going to be a season or if it was going to be my life, my whole life. I was frozen in this feeling of uncertainty and I hated it.

I am a type A personality all the way across the board! I figure out a plan and I work my plan. I'm scheduled, organized and systematic. I hate chaos, uncertainty and anything to disturb my plan. I don't like change, I don't care for riff's in the system and I don't like not having it all figured out. My ducks have to be in row! The problem is this doesn't work in the life God's called me to. My husband felt called as of last year to go to Bible college and be a pastor. What? We have two small children, he has an excellent job and he just wants to STOP in the middle of it all and veer far right into the completely unknown? This didn't jive with me, if I'm being honest, and I am...I was thankful that he is doing what he feel's called to with such conviction and sacrifice, but couldn't we just fwd and not go through the season of him getting there?? It was completely scrambling my ducks that were all sitting neatly in a row! 

Where will we live? Don't know. Where will he work? Don't know. Will I have to work part time? Don't know. Will we have to move closer to the college? Don't know. Will he have a job after school? Don't know. Will we have to move out of state for a new job after college? Don't know. 

As it was then I could answer all of those if we stayed on the path we're on. We will live in the home we have lived in since Ava Grace was 9 months old, our home. He will work where he's worked for 4 years. I won't have to work part time. The other questions would be N/A. On this path I have certainty and stability.  Now I know that no one has real certainty and stability because it can all change at the blink of an eye. See, I know this stuff but then it was head knowledge and not heart knowledge or else I would have been all on board for the adventure. Adventure, something else I don't like....

So why, knowing how I am would God call me to this?? See, I know the answer again. God cares more about our character than comfort. He loves to call his children into the unknown, desiring that we take a faith walk ( not a cake walk) as Peter did and keep our eyes on him. But I'm comfortable here on this side, I never asked to walk across water. There is that word "comfortable" again. 

So when it all boils down to it, I accepted Christ as my savior and I desire to live for him. I strive to daily bring him glory and honor. I want to move mountains in the Kingdom, but I want to always be comfortable, stable and certain at the same time. Oh and I don't want to sacrifice my ducks that are in a row! That wasn't going to work!

You know how it is when you can really feel the Lord whispering the same thing over and over again? He just continued to say "trust." "But Lord, my ducks are scrambled!!!! The next year is a blank page!" "Trust." "What if he can't find a job that allows him to go to school? Everyone is unemployed and he will join them! Will lose everything!" "Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust Trust...." I also knew that a year from now I would have some ducks neatly in a row again and some sense of a plan or certainty, but the getting there is what I was scared of. I would love to tell you that I had a breakthrough and trusted the Lord with all of it and felt much better. I would be lying. Truth is, I had a complete fit. I reacted out of fear and uncertainty and attacked my husband. I didn't act Christ like, I didn't trust and I didn't act like a Godly wife either. :-/ I went into a spiral of anger and rebellion declaring "I am not going to be a part of this." ::sigh:: Oh goodness, if given the chance I would definitely have responded instead of reacted and I would have prayed before even opening my mouth. I would do what God had been pulling on my heart to do for MONTHS and I would have trusted him. I would have trusted my husbands discernment and wisdom. I would have trusted God with my husbands heart and mind. I would have trusted that even if we fumbled on our path, God would still be in control and steady us! I would have trusted that even though it was a huge life change it was my husband answering the call to ministry and that God was all over it! Instead I blew it. I failed the test, giant F on the paper in red ink and all. :-/ Thank God for his mercy and grace and his blood that washes away our sins. It was with a repentant sorrowful heart that I had to face God and ask for forgiveness. 

Of course God has it all worked out and had a plan for us!  God knew it all along and all I had to do was trust. Now I am trusting God with all of it. I am trusting that it will all come together and work out and yes, some thing's are still uncertain, but this time I am trusting! 

It's okay, you can move my ducks!

The mommy in this picture is ME!

I say it time and time again, I LOVE to write and I aspire to blog more often and just share my life.
I am also told at least once a day to write a mommy blog. I am going to strive really hard to keep this blog updated and interesting as I face the daily JOYS  and struggles of parenting two little girl's and being the keeper of our home.

I am a mom who doesn't have it all figured out (yet) and lives day to day hanging on by the grace of God and usually with dried food on my clothes! Yep, these days my life isn't that glamorous and I must admit that I have more day's when I feel defeated then I do triumphant. However, it is in the days that I feel triumphant that I can then appreciate the defeated days, I see how it helped my character and growth in Christ. There is never a TESTimony without a TEST! It has also taught me the meaning of "My Grace is sufficient, for when you are weak I am strong." AMEN!

So this time around my blog might be a little messier, a little less poetic and a lot more nitty gritty. This is where I am at in this point in my life. I'm daily growing as a woman of God and a wife/mother and not without temper tantrums ( me usually, not the kids). I feel some day's like my life has no meaning ( ah the deceptions of the enemy!) and sometimes I would love to go find a corner and rock in it ( as long as that corner has coffee). That isn't to say that I don't have a lot of JOY in every day and that I don't LOVE this season of life I'm in. I'm just stating the fact's...it is hard, hard work to do what I do and I'm not going to lie about that. The JOY of the LORD is MY strength ( praise the Lord) and at this time in my life, God is enjoying reminding me of that!

I want to interact with my reader's, so please leave a comment below and share how God is working in your life during this season, If you're not a mom, still share! We can all use the encouragement in knowing none of us have arrived yet! (2 Corinthians 3:18)

Rain, rain go away...or not!

Talk about a gloomy day! It is one of those day's when the rain has not stopped and it look's like it is perpetually "almost dark." I confess that I do not like rainy days. I love sunshine, sunshine and MORE sunshine! I love beautiful days, warm breezes and open window's. Day's like today do not jive with me. 

However, it is not realistic to expect sunshine everyday. Though it would be cool if it only rained after dark! I could appreciate that. I am reminded that it is also not realistic to think that spiritually I won't experience rain and gloomy day's. Here lately it feel's like it has rained on me a lot spiritually. I would be lying if I told you that every time I embraced it and looked for way's to learn from it. The thing about growth in Christ is that his enemy ( and our enemy) see's our growth and amps up the attack's. He's never sneaky or cunning, he's "same old, same old" and pathetic, attacking the same way every single time. You would think that I would know how to alway's fight back by now, but still there are those day's when he clothesline's me right on my home turf! 

The lesson is in realizing where the attack is coming from and WHY! We have a very powerful God and a very real enemy that doesn't like us because we belong to CHRIST. God has been showing me more and more that my bad day's are usually an attack from the enemy. It is also NOT the people in my life but rather the enemy influencing them. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

I am beginning to understand this game the enemy is wanting to play. It is a game of deception, for if he can convince me that when I grow in Christ and draw closer to the father that I come under attack then I might take off and run. He will leave me alone if I'm complacent in my faith and not striving to mature in Christ. God, being the wonderful Father that he is- he is a lot more concerned about my character then my comfort and my faith rather then my feeling's. He allow's certain thing's to take place in order to mature me. Yes, God does allow the enemy to bother us! Anyone who tell's you different is lying to you.   If we never needed God, we would never need God! Do you get it? The blow's of life are what draw us to the Father and bring's us to our knee's. We can't give him our burden's if there are none to bare. We can't trade our ashes for beauty if there is no fire. He can't turn our mourning into dancing if there is no sorrow. 

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. "

I NEED Jesus! I literally can't stand on these two feet without him! I certainly can't parent these girl's and be Jonathan's wife without him. God continually depletes me of every ounce of myself and all other resources and make's me rely entirely on him! Time and time again I try to do it on my own strength and fall flat on my face! I don't know why I even still attempt to do it without him. I'm realizing that is why I'm in this rainy season spiritually. God is trying to get me to abide, to dwell, to cast on him, to lay at his feet, to worship, to rest in his presence. I am a "do it myself" type personality and God is saying, "you're not made to do it yourself." It might seem elementary to some, but for me I am just now learning what it means to really lay my burden down at his feet and walk away and NOT go back and pick it up again. I have been guilty of returning many time's in the past. I start to think about it again and begin to worry and before I know it, I'm toting it back home.

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

The saying goes, "be careful what you pray for..." I prayed that God would empty me of myself. I prayed that as I draw near to him he will draw near to me. I prayed that he would become my absolute everything and my strength, the one I run to (first) and the answer in my struggle's. I prayed this his presence would become so real and tangible to me. I prayed that he would teach me how to rely on him.

He answered! 

So hello rainy day, I have a feeling that I will get to know you well and see a lot of you in this season. However, the GREAT thing about a gloomy day is that sunshine isn't far behind! 

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Do all things without complaining and whining...

I know of someone who constantly complains and mainly about their child. It upsets me, but God has used it to make me look within and ask myself, "do I ever complain like that? Do I have moments when I dwell on how much one of my girls is upsetting me and then complain about it to myself for the rest of the day?" I appreciate how God uses everything in my life to make me look at myself. "Search me, O. God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23.

I am not perfect! I have definitely wasted precious time complaining about something one of my girls is doing. I've allowed time to slip past me that could have been spent cuddling while they watch the same movie for the 39749032571307501 time. At times I've let anger get the best of me and reacted in selfishness and flesh towards them. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I realize that my babies are a gift and even in the MOST frustrating of moments, I can find something to be thankful for! I challenge myself at times to find something to be thankful for and then say it out loud! "I am thankful that we have money to pay for the diaper rash cream for your terrible rash. I'm thankful for the floor that just got covered in spaghetti o's. I'm thankful for the fact that I even have a child that is refusing to sleep. I'm thankful that God is teaching me a LOT of patience in this moment and that's shaping my character." I'm serious, you should try it! :) 

As mother's, we choose to have these completely innocent children in our arms. Our children are 100% reliant on us for their every need! We have no right to complain that they have needs. It is NOT going to be easy! Absolutely every single mother knows how tough it can be, but we just can't go on and on and on and on complaining about it. We are going to loose TONS of sleep and we are going to spend at least three...nah, (definitely more then three) years cleaning puke, pee, poop and slobber up off of ourselves and everything around us! Stuff is going to break and clothes will be forever stained and damaged. A trip out won't ever be easy again and we have to spend every waking moment thinking LESS about ourselves and MORE about the needs and wants of our blessing's. We are their world and they need us all day, every day! This happens when you have a child, there is no sense in begrudging it. Every mother has a hard time with it, no one has it worse then anyone else because each of us walk in a different set of shoes. Even if it is hard that doesn't give us the right to act that way. 

Let's try putting on thankfulness, try on some joy! Please, let's not complain. Our children will know how we feel and it won't take long for them to pick up on it. A child can hear "I love you" 100 times, but they KNOW our heart by our actions and your attitude. 

Repentance means...

"Repentance means that you realize that you are a guilty, vile sinner in the presence of God, that you deserve the wrath and punishment of God, that you are hell-bound. It means that you begin to realize that this thing called sin is in you, that you long to get rid of it, and that you turn your back on it in every shape and form. You renounce the world whatever the cost, the world in its mind and outlook as well as its practice, and you deny yourself, and take up the cross and go after Christ. Your nearest and dearest, and the whole world, may call you a fool, or say you have religious mania. You may have to suffer, but it makes no difference. That is repentance."

Love this quote and had to share!

Amazing Love

So on the eve of a rather rough day, what could possibly be more wonderful then curling up in your daughters little bed with her and reading her "The Christmas Story" and her daily devotional and ending the night with songs of praise together??? NOTHING...except if the rapture had occurred and we were in heaven doing that!

You know, its in the moments like that when I think "Really God? Why all the grace?" Does he realize what I actually deserve in my mind? I certainly don't deserve all that I have, but THANK GOD for his overwhelming grace and love filled forgiveness towards woman like me...or rather, who I used to be.

We ended the evening with "amazing love" a song we did in church today and I was getting as choked up tonight as I was during worship this morning. I encourage you to listen to it or at least read these lyrics over a few times and allow them to settle into your heart...powerful...

I'm forgiven because You were forsaken (Christ was forsaken, definition: abandoned, deserted, forgotten)
I'm accepted, You were condemned (He was condemned, definition: judged, guilty, unfavorable, sentenced, convicted)
I'm alive and well, Your Spirit is within me ( the very spirit of God is IN us)
Because You died and rose again ( we only live because he died)

Amazing love, how can it be
That You, my King, should die for me? ( Why us? he died when we were yet sinners...)
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I'll honor You ( do we??)